— Margaret Mitchell, Gone With The Wind
— someone alert Camille Grammer immediately.
Anna actually has no idea who Taylor Swift is and why they insisted on seating her next to the girl in the giant doily.
First doing a collection for Target, retailer to the proletariat. Now this. The flawless Black Swan costumes can’t even save the Rodarte sisters from Anna’s scorn.
must. look. blase.
Dear Lindsay,
This desperate publicity stunt of appearing front row to remind people that you’re no longer under house arrest is actually beneath you. Seeing as your mom (and the most overworked PR team in Hollywood other than Charlie Sheen’s) managed to explain multiple DUI’s, ‘accidental’ shoplifting and those ridiculously inappropriate court ensembles I honestly expected more.
+3 style points for the shoes though. Your feet must be incredibly grateful that they’re no longer confined to suede boots in the summer to hide that god-awful ankle bracelet.
xo
muss
the following posts are, what I imagine, what celebrities are thinking when they sit front row.
I was hoping to catch Blake to catch up. For old time’s sake. And to return some pants.
Okay. Fine. I actually just want Leo’s autograph.
Oh Alexis. Blake only sits front row at Chanel Haute Couture shows in Paris, not whatever no-name deemed you and your nonexistent career relevant enough to warrant an invite.
And she stopped wearing pants years ago. It was too hard for her to keep track of where she kept leaving them.
— Theodore Evelyn Mosby. Architect.
Okay, let’s talk about everything that’s wrong with this cover. Because there are oh-so-many things.
1. It’s W Magazine. This is supposed to be class and elegance at its finest. W is known for avant garde fashion spreads, haute couture gowns and, oh yeah, legitimate people. Since when are regulars on In Touch ever considered cover worthy for W? Better yet, since when are ridiculously tacky slogans considered cover worthy? If the Teen Mom girls are next I’m finding a new industry.
2. This is supposed to be the Art Issue. I’m not sure what’s artistic about this in any way, shape, or form. Splashing words that solidify the fact that Kim Kardashian is, indeed, a fame whore isn’t art…it’s stating the obvious. The celbutante who has three TV shows, two fashion lines, updates her blog constantly and tweets every minute detail over her life wants attention? Go figure, I never would have guessed.
3. Another reason why this most definitely isn’t art: she looks haggard. Yes, I said it, haggard. Kimmy used to be on top of my girl crush list but the horrible Emmy dress made me question whether or not she was worthy and now there’s this cover where she looks 60% silicone, 25% fuschia makeup (take your pick. I’m willing to put money on the fact that they used the same blush and lipstick) and 15% anorexia/starvation.
4. Take a second look at the picture. Now take a third. If your eyes aren’t burning yet you can take a fourth (I couldn’t but some of you might be braver than I am.) If you’re starting to see a resemblance to the PETA ad that Khloe shot then we’re definitely on the same page. The dark color scheme, the cave woman hair, and the creepy dominatrix look in her eyes? It’s almost like Kim was trying to say ‘screw you, Khloe, I can rock this entire look better than you can.’
I bet that’s exactly what happened.
My gchat status for the past two weeks has been ‘fashion overload’. And for good reason. Between the changing seasons, the influx of September issues and fashion week approaching at light speed my brain is literally about to implode from style news and outfit ideas. I’ve even resorted to keeping a running document on my iphone for outfit ideas just in case I think of something beyond awesome and then lose it before I can replicate it. Yes, this has actually happened in the past. If you don’t believe me you should and once you believe me don’t judge me.
Anyway. Since I’ve yet to convince a naïve young techie to scan the contents of my closet into a fancy-schmancy computer program and make me an actual Cher’s Closet I’ve decided to categorize my summer purchases to help with the whole ‘brain imploding from fashion’ thing I have going on right now.
Here goes.
Things I bought this summer that I’ll probably only wear this summer
Jumpsuits. Oh yes, I bought jumpsuite. Not the cute romper variation either, full length 70s esque jumpsuits that Jenny Humphrey wore in gossip girl when she was trying to pull off the vulturi look.
They look better on me. I hope.
Neon. I officially own more neon than any rainbow brite enthusiast. Tank tops? Two or three in each highlighter hue. Shoes? So bright they’re blinding. Pants? Watch? Bitchin mirrored sunglasses?
I think you get the general idea. I should have remembered that EDC was only a two day event. At least I have more than enough clothes for WMC.
Things I bought this summer that I’ll actually wear past this summer
Jeggings. The idea of jeggings seems completely ridiculous. Leggings that look like jeans, why not just wear jeans? Or leggings? Do they really have to be combined?
Yes, yes they do. I applaud whoever thought it was necessary to take comfort to the next level. I applaud them even more because now girls aren’t trying to pull off traditional leggings as pants.
They’re leggings, not pants. Put a longer shirt on. Christ.
Crop tops. We already know I lost the battle with the crop top.
Combat boots. I’ve been averse to combat boots since I was six, mainly because I got horrific “Clarissa Explains It All” flashbacks where she would pair Doc Martins with some sort of tutu and a god awful hat. But now combat boots seem a bit less…combative. They’re cute, and dainty AND studded.
I’m sold.
Things I wanted to buy this summer that I was forbidden to buy
Harem pants. To pair with crop tops, duh. The combination will let me live out my Princess Jasmine fantasies on a whole new level.
Things I’m still lusting after
Denim vest
Denim shirt dress
Straw hat
Cowboy boots
…that doesn’t at all look like the ‘back to school’ list for 90% of middle America.
I’d like to clarify, again, that I didn’t actually watch the awards. I got all the winners info from Twitter (look at me all fancy)—-but I did spend a good chunk of my day pouring through photos to compile my oh-so-official list.
Enjoy.
I generally love all things Quinn Fabray, but looking at this dress gives me a seizure. It looks like the love child of Little Bo Peep, curtains from the 1400s and a horrible Betsey Johnson cupcake dress (which is the least awesome threesome ever)—-and when you didn’t think it could actually get any worse you start to notice the unnaturally long ribbon ends of the bow that was unnecessary to begin with. Major fashion faux pas, Fabray. Sue Sylvester is judging you.
style points: -15
Thankfully one of the Glee cheerleaders got it right. I used to think sequins were the work of the devil, but lately I’ve been drawn to all things multi-faceted and sparkly. Little miss Brittany doesn’t only get props for the fact that her dress gives me a somewhat valid reason to say ‘oooh shiny’ in a creepy voice—-her hair and makeup compliment the bold dress with just the right amount of elegance and her accessories give her a little touch of sparkle. As if she needed any more.
style points: 12
I really don’t know what to say about this. Yes, Heidi Klum, we understand that even though you and your scarred husband are perpetually procreating you still have a rocking bod that can walk a lingerie runway weeks after giving birth—-but since you’re a mother of a herd that rivals Brangelina’s (and you’re not 19 years old on your first trip to Vegas) don’t you think this dress shows a little too much skin and the sensible thing to do is cover up? Yes, the dress is hot. Very hot. But Blake Lively wore more fabric than this when she played a stripper in the movie with the creepy nuns, and you don’t want to be the one who makes Blake Lively looks tasteful and classy.
style points: -20
propriety points: -47
life points: -infinity, mainly for following the gospel of Beyonce when she said ‘if you got it, flaunt it.’
Claire Danes? Seriously? Where did she come from and how is she relevant again? The only things I remember her from are Romeo and Juliet and Stardust, and even though they’re both quality movies they don’t equate relevance. The dress, however, is flawless, but I expected no less from Armani Prive. The subtle sparkles compliment her skin tone without washing her out and for once I love the minimal makeup and no jewelry look so the dress got all the glory it deserved. I’m going to revoke my earlier questions about why she chose to come out of hiding because if that means she’ll grace the masses with looks like this again then I’m a-okay with her lack of relevance.
style points: 18
But I am not okay with Keri Russell coming out of hiding. The awful flower in the even more awful hair-style makes a haute couture gown look eerily similar to a tacky bridesmaid’s dress and the neckline and pleating are the furthest things from flattering. Go back to your Felicity days, Russell. You want people to remember you in your prime.
style points: -12
It breaks my little pop-guru heart to critique my ultimate girl crush, Kim Kardashian, but I have to. I will give her credit for not wearing a one shoulder black skin tight dress (because she recently wrote a heart-wrenching farewell to her collection of them on her website) but just because she’s trying to branch out doesn’t mean she has to forgo things that actually flatter her beyond famous body. I’m guessing she was trying to do an exotic Cleopatra look with the Grecian Marchesa dress but the cut and neckline make her look more matron and less vixen. And looking at the hairstyle for longer than .2 seconds makes my eyes hurt.
style points: -9
This is Grecian done right. Well done, Rose Byrne, even though I’m only vaguely aware of who you are.
style points: 11
I legitimately don’t know where I stand with this dress. The color is gorgeous, looks perfect on Princess Lea’s skin and the bodice fits her newly emaciated frame to a T. But somewhere around the hip it starts to resemble a dying mermaid. And nobody, not even Oscar De La Renta, can make the dying mermaid bit work.
style points: 0
Apparently this is Maria Menounos. I imdb-d her and I’m still not really sure who she is, but her Ralph and Russo gown is beyond amazing. The color! The beaded details! And, best of all, the cutout! This is officially my favorite look of the night. Even though there’s a lot going on with the dress everything works in harmony and she looks like she belongs on that carpet—-even though she very well may not since I still don’t know who she actually is.
style points: 21
I’ve been aching for Thursday Night TV as much as some of you have been aching for the return of Cher’s Closet. Don’t deny it, you know who you are. Last night my fingertips tingled when I set my TiVo for Jersey Shore AND Real Housewives of DC, but I was sadly only partially satisfied.
Let me explain.
I’m generally obsessed with all things Housewife related.
Orange County? Love the plastic surgery addictions and alarmingly orange spray tans.
New York? I shouldn’t even have to explain why Kelly Bensimon tickles me.
Atlanta? You mean the definition of hood rich?
New Jersey? aka validation and proof that Jersey is a waste of a state and only good for being mocked mercilessly.
But DC dropped the ball, mainly because these women are actually legitimate human beings making them failures on an entertainment scale. During their cooking parties they discuss politics and business as opposed to, y’know, their 15 year old alcoholic daughters (I’m looking at you, Lynn) one of them spent their childhood on the Kennedy property (not being a ‘prostitution whore’) and the token black woman went to Harvard business school and was, of course, classmates with Obama.
If I wanted to watch something that would enrich my life I’d actually tune into CNN, know your audience Bravo, these housewives fail to deliver.
Thankfully after an hour of what can only be described as ‘educational’ it was time for Jersey Shore. And these kids never disappoint.
First off, I’m ignoring the return of Angelina, because me acknowledging it will make her more legitimate. And she deserves none of that.
I’ll admit that the Ronnie/Sam drama is already boring, but I did love that true love can be measured by how many hours you spend with someone while they’re getting an unnecessary (and seemingly phallic) tattoo.
I also have to applaud Snooki because she’s officially Queen Bitch of the house. Yes, that 4’1” glow in the dark garden gnome runs that Miami house—-fuzzy slippers in tow. Somehow she’s now the most legitimate cast member and despite his successful music career I didn’t see Pauly D getting a Grammy invite. Only Snooks.
Of course the epic one liners make my life complete. Yes, GTL is probably the most notorious coined term of 2009, but in just two episodes Ronnie’s already trying to get people to “get filthy, creepy and weird” and Pauly D is promoting a “grenade free America.”
And PS. It’s t-shirt time.
i have an inner monologue problem.
