the reality tv rundown.
I’m a reality TV junkie. I have no shame saying it. I’ve watched pretty much every episode of anything on Bravo, seen too many of Lauren Conrad’s tiny braids on the Hills (OG version, none of this Kristin bullshit) and yes. I watched Tila Tequila play sexual double-dutch on A Shot At Love.
And now MTV has outdone itself with Jersey Shore. I wish there was a better way to describe this than a car crash you’re glued to despite actually knowing better, but that’s exactly what it is. The producers somehow combed Staten Island and New Jersey for the only Italians who not only associate with the guido stereotype, but own it and actually toast to all things wrong with their kind…blowouts, sunglasses, fake tans and poofs.
Anyway. I think it’s only appropriate to pay homage to everyone who made this low budget production a televised masterpiece.
Angelina. Refers to herself as the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island (if only Staten Island had Armenian hookers) and showed up to the house with garbage bags instead of a suitcase. Usually I would let those two compelling statements speak for themselves but of course, there’s more. She bitches about her job because in real life she’s a bartender and she does, ‘you know. great things.’ Also her only comeback to being called fat was, and I quote, ‘i’ll cut your hair in your sleep.’
She also thinks that girls who are sluts should be abused. I guess the way she dresses is the way she punishes herself.
Jenni. Also known as J-Woww. Of course.
I wish she hadn’t given herself this nickname because in the past three days almost every one of my friends has told me to call them [first letter of their name] woww. Yes, you can judge me for being friends with people like this…but let’s be honest if you’re reading this you’re probably the people like this that I’m friends with.
I’m straying.
As much as I’d like to discuss her botched boob job, self inflicted peroxide hair and the fact that being faithful is a foreign concept for her I can’t because she left the club early to ‘eat ham and drink water’ package of deli meat in tow.
Mike. aka The Situation. aka my favorite cast member.
Yes, he refers to his abs as the situation. Yes, they are something to marvel at (I won’t lie, I could probably grate cheese with them) but there are so many things about him that tickle me in all the right ways.
First he talks about himself in third person. But not as Mike, as The Situation. I can’t make this stuff up. Also he claims that everybody loves him… babies, dogs, hot girls, cougars…and he grouped them all together. He’s a player who gets his heart crushed by Sammi the slutty ‘sweetheart’ (who, coincidentally, is the only cast member from New Jersey, but more on that later) and has an affinity for the thumbs up sign. He also wants to write the Guido handbook.
First he’ll have to learn how to read and write.
Nicole aka Snooki. Her main goal in life is to marry a guido, move to New Jersey and live happily ever after. But of course that’s difficult when she pulls the drunken idiot card as soon as she walked into the house and can’t bring a guy home who won’t throw up on her terrace. She claims that she wants ‘to bring a guy home, but it’s hard since it’s the Jersey shore.’
Oh Nicole, Jersey is only known for one thing. And that’s being easy.
Pauly D. If only I’d made that name up. He likes Ed Hardy, shocker. He’s a DJ, shocker. He likes slutty girls, shocker. And he pierces his unmentionables.
Are we sensing a pattern here?
I’d also like to mention that he owns a tanning bed, gets his eyebrows waxed, takes his shirt off in public (but I’m not complaining) and for some reason reminds me of Speedy Gonzalez.
Ronni. This is one of the only pictures I found of him where he wasn’t in an American Gladiator pose. His arms could probably crush a kitten (I’m not saying he’s tried. I’m just saying) and I think the fact that he perma-laughs is proof that he’s taken one too many fist pumps to the head.
Vinny. The most boring cast member in MTVs history. I’m convinced they needed a guy with a different haircut and he fit that quota, but what do I know? I really don’t think it’s necessary to actually talk about him because he’s so awful, but he did say that he’ll dance with you if you’re fat, ugly or 45 years old.
Like he has a choice.
And finally…
Sammy Slutty Sweetheart.
By far the most attractive girl in the house, but she takes that as grounds to hookup with two guys in the house in one night. Pace yourself, woman. Oh and she has fake hair. No lies.
I’m thinking this jersey shore business should become a weekly recap. Until next time.
