It’s taken me a solid four days to recover from the ridicule known as the Gossip Girl finale on Monday. Saying the show left me reeling would be more of an understatement than Jenny Humphrey’s ridiculous eye makeup. I do appreciate that the producers are finally making the show good again but seriously, they should have cut all that Rufus/Lily nonsense out (because nobody cares about them. if you care about either of them you are no longer allowed to read my blog) and moved the insanity up sooner in the season. Even though I did appreciate the artful 60 minutes of intensity I was left with a few burning questions that I don’t think will ever really be answered.
1. When did Chuck Bass become such a pansy? His whole ‘Hark! Blair! You came! You love me! Let me tremble under the power of your love for me and look longingly into your eyes and propose to you even though we’re both 18’ speech plus the quivering eyes and lips were a little too reminiscent of that scene in Troy when Orlando Bloom tells Helen that they can move to the forest and he can hunt deer. What happened to the boozing, womanizing bad boy we all hated and loved? (and no, deflowering Little J does not count.) Bad move, Bass, bad move.
2. Why does Serena dress like a high class hooker? Yes, we all know how much I hate Blake Lively, but this has officially gotten too extreme. First she starting wearing bajingo-bearing dresses while she was OUT AT LIBRARY BENEFITS WITH HER FATHER but for some reason in this episode she thought she was going to the hospital to meet her next conquest, not Dorota’s new baby, and figured that a mini-skirt and makeshift scarf as a shirt was an appropriate apparel choice. To be fair she did try and class it up with a blazer but that just made her look even more like the mistress of a politician. Oh, wait, she was one.
3. How did Jenny Humphrey magically disappear from Chuck Bass’ bedroom? I know she’s started looking like a Twilight extra (and no, not the sparkly vampire variation, more like one of those Volturi hot messes who has to hide in the depths of Italian crypts) but I didn’t know her goth dresses came equipped with Edward Cullen’s ability to teleport in and out of peoples bedrooms. I wonder who she watches while they’re asleep. My money’s on Dan, the only thing this show is missing now is incest.
(side note, I might have to stab myself out of shame for knowing all of those Twilight references off the top of my head. Also, if she has magic powers why doesn’t she have magic waterproof makeup? Her dying raccoon bit just didn’t do it for me.)
4. Why did Nate have to resort to Chuck’s little black book to get play? Archibald’s been on a moral high horse all season; what with the ‘YOUR FATER DRUGGED YOUR MOTHER’ tirade with Serena (that pushed her into an eager young hipster’s arms) and telling Blair that he thought she grew up but once Serena and her ‘mythic’ (seriously, Blair? Nate and Serena are ‘mythic’?) love left him he had to resort to hookers…and ugly ones at that. Honestly, do you have NO game Nate? Living with Chuck Bass should have taught you a thing or two, or you could easily pick up women at the salon where you obviously get your morning blow-outs.
And finally
5. WHY DIDN’T BARNEY STINSON MEET BLAIR ON TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING WITH THE ‘HE’S NOT COMING’ PLAY?
Happy Friday, kids. Well at least mine is.
